The drought continues

Nobody is looking.

Well, nobody but me because I keep looking at my empty inbox. It's like even the scammers took off for Christmas.

That's ok. I was wondering how I would feel about a man who was working the online dating scene over Christmas dinner. I didn't get the opportunity to see, because, the don't It's the Christmas drought!

But Match.com keeps sending me email to keep my hope up and subscription going that January 3 is the busiest day for online dating .How can that be? January 3 falls on a Sunday. There's football on Sunday.  Are they going to be binge winking during the commercials?

Maybe its in with New Year's resolutions.

1. Go to the gym.
2. Read Pulitzer Prize winning fiction
3. Get online to find a girlfriend

And since it is a buyer's market for men, you have to expect their deal breakers.  And just like with women, it can be anything.

One man cut me off after he found out that I ate leftovers.

The conversation was rolling because he liked to talk about food and eating out. I was pumped. This was going to be fun.  He was planning the date. We were going to eat at Chili's. We were going to start with the Southwestern egg rolls and move on to the prime rib fajitas and talk about food. Then, he said something that ended in him saying that he didn't eat leftovers.

"Oh, I do," I said, picturing the leftover chicken in my fridge.

"I guess I should eat them." His enthusiasm dropped off a cliff.

How was I going to repair this damage?

"Well, some things are better the next day, like lasagna." Wrong answer!

I was leaving town, so I knew the date would be at a later time. "I'll call you in two weeks," he said. "A week from this Monday."

This is manspeak for "I'll never go out with a woman who asks for a doggie bag."

Next!

Christmas Dating

It's Christmastime and 've got nothing going onto check out the lights with me.

It's the off season in dating and nobody is talking. Not even the hot prospects that I had a week ago.

There was a date with a nurse that ended in a little kiss. That was hopeful. And I had Plan B in the bull pen, ready to sub, because those phone calls were going great. I thought things were rolling along.

Then I went out of town.

When I came back, I sent out "Honey, I'm home!" texts and neither one responded.

What happened in four days?

The general consensus of all the ladies I know...Christmas.

"They don't want to date you at Christmas because they don't  want to buy a gift," said a co-worker. "And they won't date you at New Year's because it look serious."

What's a girl with no love life to do during a two week hiatus of online flirting?

Why, go to a Christmas party, of course.

I managed to snag an invitation to a party with three single men who were unattached. I wondered how I would manage flirting the old school of face to face. I mean, there were three. They couldn't all be horrible, could they?

Bachelor Number One had all the charm of lint. You know, kind of harmless but annoying? It was another voice thing, but this time low, slow and monotone. All I could hear was unintelligible "blah, blah, blah" as I fled to Bachelor Number Two.

Bachelor Number Two was a lawyer.  I was excited. We have something in common.

I didn't even mind his drunken rendition of Jingle Bells.

But he did the unforgiveable. He cheated at Dirty Santa. He looked in all the presents and chose the best one. It pissed off the whole church group. We wanted to take him out back and stomp him. The ladies at work were ready to kick his butt just hearing about it. You don't cheat at Dirty Santa. So, . who's next?

Oh, yes! Bachelor Number 3. Tall, good looking with dark full hair, white at the temples, permanent smile and charm to spare. So why was my sister dragging me away?

"Money problems," she whispered.

Strike Three!

Ok.

I wasn't ready to throw in the towel at Match.com. A few weeks ago, I winked at a profile Alboy, and I was notified that he viewed my profile. There was no response, so no problem. The next day, I saw that Alboy visited my profile again.

He wanted another look. No response. No problem.

Then he looked again. And again. And everyday for weeks. What's up with that?

I sent him a "shit or get off the pot" email.

Hi. My name is Janet. If you want to chat, send an email.

He got off the pot. Until he climbed back on, one week later. Yes, Alboy is back with his daily check of my profile. So I do have something going on. I'm not sure what it is, but it's going on.

Just in time for Christmas.

Younger men

I'm being punished by the Online Dating Gods for rejecting Gomer Pyle.

I haven't had a wink in days, even after I expanded the age range of my search.  The minimum  range on my  profile was 60 and Mr. Pyle pointed out that he was younger than my profile search.

That means...

I can go younger!

Myth busted! There are some men who go for women their own age or older.

 I dropped that  puppy to 55 and up right away. It's hard enough to find real men online, without screening them out.

Although, I email from men as young as 28 do find their way to my inbox.

Mr. Younger than my Baby Boy: Hi gorgeous! How are you?

Bless his heart, his profile phot that was shot from below just emphasized his baby face and a smile as big as a half moon. He kind of reminded me of a chubby, grown up Urkel. My son looked at his photo and said, "As long as I don't have to call him Daddy."

I was in mommy mode. "I don't want to hurt his feelings" I thought, "I'll answer him that he was too young." But that left the door open for argument and I wanted to be clear that the answer was not happening in this lifetime. So, I ignored him. Some things don't need to be encouraged with a response.

I had a feeling he would be persistent.  A couple of weeks later, I saw his shining face was beaming from my inbox.

Mr. Younger than my Baby Boy:    Ready..whenever you are

There's not enough liquor in Goodlettsville that would make me ready for butterball Urkel.

I've also chatted with a 40-year-old engineer. He was hot enough to be a scammer. But he was either  an awkward nerd who didn't know how converse or he was too busy playing World of Warcraft to  fully answer my questions.

He was new to the area and new to Match.com and didn't know anybody. Since his age fell in the middle of my children's age brackets, when he was non-responsive to any of my questions, I immediately felt like I was talking to my own kids. And that's when the mommy urges came. "Awe, he would fit in good here. My son is studying engineering and his best bud is an engineer. Awe, he could come over and play WOW while I bake cookies!"

Now, what kind of brain fart was that? I pulled myself back to reality in a Nano second. Not in this life time. Not in anybody's lifetime. So I stopped emailing.

And a couple of weeks later, he's back.

Mr. You had Potential: XXX-XXX-XXXX is my number if you'd like to text.

You couldn't keep up the conversation the first time, buddy.

Next!

The voice

His profile picture showed a  good looking man, with silver hair and a tan that you get from being outside. Another photo showed him next to a beautiful creek and yet another with his kids. And he was an accountant!

I winked...

...and he winked.

Then he sent me an email.

It was cool. We exchanged a few more email which included this little gem.

Re: Good evening! We...

I have many memories in that park ....... I've been to the winery in Jamestown, but I don't think I've been to the park. Ever been Eagle hunting at Reelfoot? And I love the mountains, any time of the year. I like searching for and trying new recipes. And even shopping!

Ok, so this man is into wineries, mountains and eagles. I can see us cuddled together in front of a mountain chalet, sipping wine and on our weekend trip to view eagles.

And he cooks!

Oh, yeah. I can feel his arm around me, as we're strolling around Reelfoot Lake.

Yes, his... What color are his eyes? Blue. They can be blue today. His blue eyes looking deep into mine. He's telling me something. He's whispering in my ear. What's that, honey?

What does he sound like? What does an outdoorsy kind of manly man sound like when he's whispering in my ear? A raspy purr, something in the Clint Eastwood, "Bridges of Madison County" telling me...

"Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature." (Robert Kincaid to Francesca in The Bridges of Madison County)

And he's sweet. He posted this the next morning.

I hope you have a...

I hope you have a great day!!

It was definitely Clint.

Oh, yes. This was promising.

So he finally calls. I see the number. I pick up the phone and I hear...

...Gomer Pyle.

Surprise, surprise!

Actually Gomer sound a little more urban than this guy.

His high pitched voice  that back country  rhythm that would rival Andy Griffith's  Ernest T. Bass as to what lets call extreme southern, found mostly in the extreme rural areas in Tennessee. it's the kind of place that is what we call, the middle of no where. And that is where this accent...this voice,  needed to stay.

I tried to muscle through it. The conversation was good, he made me laugh. But I couldn't get past the voice.  I couldn't. I can't.

We're not clicking. Sorry.

If I'm going to be with someone, I can't be having them chew on a sock the whole date.

Next.

Are there any real men online? More scammers

The quiet was deafening.

The minute I took the word "widow" off my profile, the traffic dropped so much that I was beginning to feel unloved until I slapped that foolishness out of my head. I don't want to be the belle of the scammer ball. My goal is to meet a real man, in the sense that he actually exists.  And since he is so rare, that seems to be the only deal breaker that isn't fluid.

But, it's no wonder women fall prey to dating scams. They make so much noise that it's hard to ignore it all the time. Especially since they are the ones who give you the most instant gratification. Good looks, smooth talk and persistence.

Especially persistence. As good as my defenses are, a scammer still gets through every now and then. I was being dense for a while, thinking that those pop-up notices at the bottom of your online dating search screen weren't all from the Match.com. Match has a pop-up that notifies you that someone wants to email you or chat. It's just a more efficient way for the scammers to engage because it's an  immediate connection.,

I was sucked into one conversation because the profile said Nashville and, of course, the guy in the photo was smokin'.

Me: So are you from Nashville?

Mr. Trust Me, I'm Hot: Yes, but do you mind telling me why you want to know? (First clue)

Me: Nashville has a lot of transplants. So what part of Nashville do you live?

This is a hard question. They aren't trained to Google map Nashville and find a street. Or maybe they do, but in true scammer fashion, have to change it just a little, just to be confusing.

Mr.. Trust Me I'm Hot: Norton Street

I cut off the conversation right there, despite his little pop-up cries of "Janet. Are you there?" For one thing, decent scammer would know that we are talking about neighborhoods, so to tell me Norton Street means you don't know anything about the most common of all denominators; rush hour gridlock.

And a Google search was the final nail in the coffin.

Nashville has a Norton Avenue, not a Norton Street.


Here's a chat with another who got by my initial screening.

Hi Pretty

My name is FrankYour profile really caught my attention and i most confess you are such a beautiful chamring woman i am really interested in getting to know you
we never know we could be a match."im an engineer nice to meet you Janet if you dont mind can i have your email address so we can share more about each other better on there

Sigh. My response?

No. Have a good day.

Now, why did I say that?  Why did I feel the need to be polite when signing off with a scammer? I can only pray that this scammer is not making his quota of contacts and discussions, didn't get any money wired to him and is having the crappiest day of his life.

How doe "piss off " sound?